Musings...

Didn't blog for a long time. Never felt the need. I thought I was over this addiction but I was wrong. I always needed an outlet to vent my anger, to eliminate my sorrows, after the long day at the work. And post marriage my life has taken a hell of a turn.

Obviously, everyone's life changes after marriage. What you think it is and what it actually is are actually completely two different things. Nowadays, the first thing people ask me is "are you happy?". My obvious answer, "yes, ofcourse I am." But am i actually happy?

Yes, somewhere I am happy that I got married to a person who is a very good guy and cares about me a lot. period.

Many of my friends says to me that I really have hell lot of patience. I was so tolerant and patient to be in a relationship that most of them would have just freaked out and ran away or killed themselves. But I don't know why am I losing out on that patience. Why cant I be patient enough to let things go as they are.

When I had agreed upon marrying a stranger, marrying a guy of my parents choice. I always prayed to god that let that guy be patient enough to understand me and my feelings. Let that guy love me for whom I am and not what he wants me to be, although I would give my heart and soul to be like what he wants me to be. Let that guy be there for me, whenever I need him. Let that guy be only mine.

I don't know whether he heard my prayers or not. He always has an amusing ways of letting people know of their fate. Last few days or past one month has been the most difficult phase of my life. May be I think one million things all at once. May be I am wrong or may be I right. I don't why.

My friends says that sometimes I make my life difficult for not standing up to things. I surrender to the situation very easily. I agree but may be because I don't want the things to take an ugly turn. I want to be happy and I want my life to be simple.

I trust God and I know, whatever he does, does for one's own good. We may not understand at that moment but we eventually realize.

I cry, a lot, but that doesnt mean that I am weak. I don't say a word, even if I feel that something wrong is being done with me, but that doesn't mean that I am a mute or maid or a doormat. I am just me and that is how I am.

My best friends are not talking to me because they feel I should speak up more. I do, guys but it doesn't work with me, I am sorry. May be you have to tolerate me as I am for the rest of your lives.

I really need a long holiday, away from everything. I get irritated too quickly, frustrated too easily and depresses in a matter of milliseconds. May be thats the reason that I don't log on facebook anymore. It's for the best right. People ask me on facebook, hey where are your and your husbands pics? We want to see them. For god's sake we dont have any pics together and why on earth do you want to see us. Why cant you be happy with your life and let me be happy with mine. So, its best, no facebook, no annoyance.

Yes, I am happy but I want to be happy more. May be it's in my hand or may be it's not. But I know that someday I would get everything that I am craving for now but I just wish that its not very late...